John
"The Cat" Elvira set his heart on a career in goalkeeping
from a very young age. However, those evil diminutive Iberian genes
threatened his chances in a position best suited to people of greater
stature. When the Spanish government presented him with the chance
to join their programme of growth hormones, he jumped at the chance,
although not very high. Sadly for John the treatment did not lead
to a growth in height, only in girth. He looked set for a career
in the little leagues, until he was promoted above his limited horizons
into the first team of the Falcons.
It
was during his first season in goal that John got himself the nickname
"The Cat", not because of his stealth and agility in the
air, but because he likes to have a shit in the six yard box and
makes a poor job of covering it up in the astroturf. Many a goal
was conceded as he strutted around with his arse in the air, parading
for some cute kitten in the crowd rather than paying any attention
to the game. At this time it was regularly suggested that his best
position was getting the drinks in at the bar, and John looked to
have little chance of ever punching above the waist in the world
of goalkeeping. That was until his heroics in the famous Falcons
tour of Portugal in the summer of 2001. As the light faded and the
Falcons struggled manfully to hold on to an incredible 3-2 lead
against an all-star line-up of silky skilled Portugee, John produced
a spectacular save to push a thunderbolt drive over the bar. This
save ensured that the team could proudly boast a 100% record in
Europe (a record they still hold), all but silenced his critics,
and also resulted in John being justly presented with the award
for the Most Improved Player during the 2000/01 season.
The Cat has continued
to improve as a keeper, and is now a firm favourite with the crowd
for his noble efforts at protecting an awfully big looking goal
with only his vertically challenged, strangely pear shaped frame.
The only thing that keeps him from being the first name on the team
sheet each week is his regular vigil to watch Al-fayedly challenged
Fulham where he goes to contemplate how different things might have
been if he had only been as tall as Edwin Van Der Saar.
John's nickname
should probably be "The Dog" given the way he barks
out orders at his defenders which make about as much sense as
they would were they coming from a genuine canine.
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